How To Pill a Cat

  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
    Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
    hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.
  15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Pill a Dog

  1. Wrap pill in bacon. Drop on floor.

Comments

This is one of the great articles on the Internet, whose origins are lost in the mists of time. Many of them were published on USENET before the WWW was even a gleam in Tim Berners-Lee's eye.

"How to Pill a Cat" is almost funnier when you have seen how closely it follows real instructions for giving pills to cats. Here are two such sets of instructions, both complete with illustrations, published by:

  1. The Humane Society of the United States
  2. Mar Vista Animal Medical Center

As is often the case, when one person has succeeded in producing something we all enjoy, some nincompoop comes along and produces a copycat version. Sure enough, there is a Version II of "How to Pill a Cat" out there. What it contributes is a bottle of whiskey, consumed in every larger clunks, and a number of obscene words. You can find it in Google. No link will be provided here.